Trying to find answers!!!……Its all me at Grey cells ……. Unfinished thoughts

Losing??…… Father??

Posted in DAD, Dairy, Insecurity!, Introspection, life, Losing..Love!, Relation by nagaje on December 16, 2008

Everything in Life loses meaning …… when you lose the very  reason for existance of life ……  Each day starts with a gloom and each night  unfolds dreary, dark , endless unfathomable journey into yourself ….. where all you can feel is the numbness ……. I stare into nothingness that is spread in front of my eyes so vast  that I  see nothing else!!

When I  sit howling into the night alone … I wonder  where did all the years go?? I never realised I spent ages without looking at myself in the mirror… It was the attachments / commitments / relationships that formed the very purpose of my being…….

When you lose the elixir of life…….. the main relationship what do you do?? I am yet to find answeres …. I am struggling to face the same question every day that hits me fresh… What went wrong?? Why did I lose?? What do I do?? What next?? endless Sea of conflicts that arise in me!!

My father was World to me….. Life’s day began with him… & ended for him ……  But the void that is created now is a bottomless pit……. that is filled with despair….. how am I going to cope with it???

A loss can create another loss!!!! Surprised no….. Not able to come to terms with what I am going through… I started desperately falling back on everything I had …… every small thing…..believe me WWW is the best gift to mankind if you know how to use it…….

I sit Googling [ Another life saving aide] just to see how the world takes pain ….  how the world copes with it all ….searching for the virtual brethren …. Hoping to minimise my pain pangs reading about others suffering ….. Accepting loss as the world is full of people like me…….

Can you read pain?? here?? I don’t know if you can…… pain is only felt….. unless you have already gone through the similar loss….. I don’t know….

I  was on one such journey into the virtual world.. trying to understand other’s sufferings so that I can forget my  loss atleast momentarily….. I read this heart tearing story of a father [ and here Iwas trying to forget the loss of a father….. I was extra curios to understand how father’s take loss!!! ]

This guy was fighting a legal battle for the custody of his beautiful little princesses  [ I am fighting the loss of ownership of a father ] and when the judiciary system failed to show him justice ……. he could not take the loss …..  he killed the kids on the visitation day and hanged himself ……

 

NEWS :  Father killed children after losing custody!!

A man who is believed to have smothered his two young daughters while they were on a weekend custody visit telephoned their mother to say “the children have gone to sleep forever” before killing himself, it emerged last night

read further …..  here 

Is that the way to cope with grief???? Can I do it too ??  Who ??  How ?? Where??  When?? ………A lot of new unanswered  questions to add to the bandwagon…….

😦

Where does this end  ?????………….  Will it End ???  Agony!!!

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Who’s Life R U living anyway!!

Posted in Dairy, life, Relation, Thoughts by nagaje on July 2, 2007

Well….. OURS???? ……..  Think ….. Really???………

No way Boss u do not live Ur Life!!

Now shout &  ask who’s !! Anyway??

 Hmm ……… Everyone else’s ………… Yeah think again…….

U wake up !! to alarm.. kept to may be switch on the geyser….. make tea…. wake up call to some one……

U take bath.. Aarthi time!!… Get spouse ready.. kids ready for breakfast….!!!

U work????.. then off to office you change from the  person  you are and don  on a corporate robe  … irrespective of what’s on mind u start flashing smiles …… nods……. . acknowledgements.. …..all around!!..Life!!

Tea time some friends.. u try and show ur mood swings… ur apprehensions……

 Evening nice party u change into guest role… nice and….. courteous

Think of any day in your life u literally live for others and change accordingly…

Married?? change life style ..preferences as per ur in-laws[ Supposedly most obnoxious].. .. spouse’s

Mingling in life then ur would be partner takes UR toll!! 🙂

Single ..ready to mingle … peer pressure to get the Mr/Ms RIGHT.

Single only .. parents boss all over you….

Done with the major chunk of life?? Retired??.. Ur  kids  smother u around!![ U tend to stay with them to avoid old age homes]

I am damn sure your mind must be whirring with the thoughts that haunt when u are being limited by so many factors …  of your life style!!

Atleast what best can be done is….. give some time for self … alone for just reflecting into self…..

Do something that give you the best feeling once in a while to get a breather!!….

Think.. on these lines u get enough.. ways..

I LIVE MY LIFE   some part of the day!! DO U???

Life’s SIMPLE …..

Posted in Belief, Dairy, life, That's me, Thoughts by nagaje on June 19, 2007

Life  …….     I have always felt life is one of the most beautiful gifts as long as one knows how ti live it … Its too simple … if we plan to keep it so….. Only If we Plan to !!!

I really do not have a clue as to why people make life so complicated for self and in turn for all others related directly or indirectly to them……How can we go ahead and atleast try and make it simple….

I really do not know whether I am succsessful in Life but I try and follow some simple rules…. I said TRY………Ddo not Hold me for anything….. 

Some of them…… easier Said than Done !! I know it ……So is the ease in putting this across

* Wake up to better morning… How better ???? U Say it… Its a gr8 morning everyday!!!

* Talk with urself for a good while each day… Introspect…I prefer first thing in    the  morning with out fuzzy mind…… U know mind fresh and active……

* Do not worry too much on getting late for work….Bosses glare is fine sometimes..

* Do not promise yourself what you can not do!!

* Dream a lot!! Greatest motivator of life.. but be  consistent with ur dreams…. Dont design every day!! [ Some one said.. You can achieve anything .. If you stick to it long enough!!]

* Think of anything with intensity!!

* Be thankful for all the small things that life has  offered…

* Be happy with yourself

* You can be what you are ONLY!!!

* Do not get into arguement with stupid people…

* Just be good yaar.. Do not get into mess with anybody!!

* Keep some gr8 amout of time life  each day to do  what you love MOST!! and do IT…

* Even if you get a stupid thought… Do it with GUTS….

* Love yourself !!!!  Best person to fall in love with and easily available and can never ditch you!!;-)

* Stop bothering about others…..:-)

* Love LIFE & Have fun…..

* Think of giving back to society…

* Love nature….. it has a great small and big things to offer……

Hey !!  They are just small tips… Not exactly tthe rules I planned in the first place to scribe… I am sure but they are Good!!

Dairy!!

Posted in Dairy, Thoughts by nagaje on January 12, 2007

God am I getting hooked on to this……You know something ..writing dairy give s a feel of talking to a friend … unleashing your thoughts..and of course you are making way for bigger!!![ I am not sure though  🙂 ] thinking..

 Mind is lik memory chip you erase some data U get space for new storage…. I am not a Psychology goof … but I can believe when somebody says whts on their mind they r kinda relieved..

Remember the sigh of relief you had when U poured out your tension to your love….[Now I meant mama , papa, sis , bro , pal…. whosoever it is]…. thts wht I call  ‘erase some data’ ……….. b’coz u unknowingly allowed some other party to take weight off ur mind. Now u have another clean page to draft few more things thts how a human being can put more thought process on wheels…………..

Dairy is a virtual friend ….U bet I hav fallen in love with it….